


Test

by orlesiantitans



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 07:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5576398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orlesiantitans/pseuds/orlesiantitans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You are being tested on your skills as a parent.”</p>
<p>Joker felt himself splutter at that. Okay, so, yeah. Bryony wasn’t overly subtle in her suggestions about having kids. She kept sidling up to him and seductively whispering in his ear that she was ovulating, but honestly it was such a weird thing to hear that instead of being turned on, he got nervous, laughed, and cracked a joke about putting her wonderful childbearing hips to good use.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Test

Joker honestly didn’t know what he was doing.

He understood what _Bryony_ was doing. Taking Liara out of her and Javik’s apartment for a few days was probably a good idea, considering the fact the Asari was reluctant to leave her daughters alone. Zelila was almost three, and baby Aeseis was six months old, and she’d only been out for a few hours at a time on very rare occasions.  

No, what Joker didn’t understand was why _he_ had to stay with them too. His girlfriend had insisted that it was just to make Liara more comfortable with the separation- “She’ll be happier if there are two people watching out for them!”- and to give Javik help. He, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure. After all, Javik was more than capable of caring for the two, something that was clearly shown as he left the kitchen, baby nestled in his arms and toddler quite literally _hanging from his neck._

Joker had, of course, asked _why_ Zelila was hanging from her father’s neck. It seemed a little odd, after all, the way she had her arms around him and he wasn’t supporting her in any way. Javik had simply responded that it was common for both young Asari and young Protheans, and that humans used to hang in that manner from their parents too, before they developed a need for ‘constant coddling’.

He sighed, and leaned back, observing the family mutely. Javik had to place his oldest daughter back on the ground, however, as he fed the little one. As Joker’s luck would have it, she ran straight over to him and placed herself on his knee. He flailed slightly before one arm went to support her back, hoping to God (if he existed, something he was beginning to doubt with the arrival of the small child snuggling into him) that she wouldn’t fidget too much. Zelila looked up at him with big blue eyes, and frowned.

“Mama says you’re a pilot,” she stated, in the same matter-of-fact tone Liara was so fond of. He sighed.

“Was. I’m retired now. Kind of,” he replied. Kind of, in that he still took the Normandy for a spin, but only to political things Shepard was needed at. He wasn’t officially an Alliance operative any more, and his beautiful ship had been stripped of her weaponry, more of a symbol than a ship.

She pouted, “That’s boring. That means you do nothing all day. That’s lazy. Papa says lazy people should be thrown out of the airlock for not pulling their weight.”

Joker almost laughed. Of course Javik had told his three year old daughter what kinds of people should remain outside of the airlock. He distinctly remembered being told he was going out of the airlock more than once, for a ‘poorly timed joke’ or ‘inappropriate friendly relationship with a synthetic’. EDI had been threatened just as frequently, and it was odd to look back and not feel a bitter pang at the thought of the AI. They’d been friends- just friends, despite the jokes- and he _missed_ her poking fun at him, or threatening to tell the whole ship and he and Shepard’s not-so-secret relationship. That had filled him with fear, until he found out everyone _already_ knew. Apparently, hook-ups in the cockpit (even at night) weren’t all that subtle. All it took was one Turian who didn’t know the meaning of ‘sleep’ and an entire ship knew that you were a committed man.

He glanced back down at the little Asari.

“Well, that’s not very nice of your Papa. I served in the Reaper Wars, I think a few years’ rest isn’t too much to ask,” he retorted. Javik looked up at him, and Joker trembled just a little. Seeing four eyes narrowed at you in unison was pretty damn scary, and he shrunk back slightly. Even with a baby in his arms, Javik was terrifying.

“I fought the Reapers while your kind were still living in caves, human. Your comparison is not of consequence.”

Joker rolled his eyes, “And while we developed, you were taking a very long nap. You know, Javik, that’s pretty lazy, perhaps _you_ should be thrown out the airlock. Except we don’t have one, considering we’re _on the Citadel.”_

The two of them stared for a moment before the little girl on his lap began to giggle, covering her mouth with a hand. He smirked down at her, and she grinned back up.

“You’re funny. Papa, he’s funny. He should come and live with us.”

Javik looked like he honestly couldn’t contemplate anything worse in the world. Joker’s grin widened.

“I could, little lady,” he began, and Zelila’s face lit up. “But unfortunately, I live with my girlfriend. Commander Shepard.”

She continued to smile. “Well, that’s okay. I’m sure Aunt Bryony wouldn’t mind if we kept you.”

He rolled his eyes. Why hadn’t he come to meet these little angels in the past? Oh, yeah, he was always coming up with excuses in an attempt to avoid their father. Aside from their formative years, he’d never really been present, but he very suddenly got the feeling he should visit far more often.

“She might mind a little bit. But I’ll visit much more frequently, Lila,” he promised. She pouted, but he figured he’d appeased her for that particular moment. Javik sighed.

“The children will require sustenance,” he informed Joker, handing over Aeseis, who  was (blessedly) asleep. He didn’t know what he do if she started crying when he had her, he was almost certain Javik would find a way to blame that on him.

“Thank God for small miracles,” he muttered.

Of course, it wouldn’t be his luck if that quiet utterance didn’t wake her up. She didn’t cry, oh no, and for a moment he felt relief at that. But then she looked up at him with an incredible amount of disdain for such a small child, a cool mixture of the Shadow Broker and the last Prothean. He shrunk back in his seat.

But then Javik’s words registered in his head. He squeaked, “You have got to be kidding me! I’m not… you can’t leave me _alone_ with them!”

Javik just smiled. It was not a nice smile. It was a very, very creepy smile.

“You are being tested.”

Joker frowned a little more, and tilted his head to the side, waiting for further clarification. Javik sighed, muttering something about ‘primitives’. If Liara were here, she’d slap him over the back of the head for such a comment, but as it was Joker was A) being used as a human climbing frame by Zelila, who seemed to have grown tired of sitting still and was attempting to get onto his shoulders to steal his hat and B) found Javik too scary to realistically consider hitting him.

“You are being tested on your skills as a parent.”

Joker felt himself splutter at that. Okay, so, yeah. Bryony wasn’t overly subtle in her suggestions about having kids. She kept sidling up to him and seductively whispering in his ear that she was ovulating, but honestly it was such a weird thing to hear that instead of being turned on, he got nervous, laughed, and cracked a joke about putting her wonderful childbearing hips to good use.

To be fair, this usually ended up with her giggling and the two of them tumbling into bed, but he had come to convince himself it was just that- a joke. Not that he was opposed to having kids. Hell, he’d all but been a dad to Hilary when they were kids and their dad was out on the fields, getting them ready for harvest and their mom was out on a mission. After his mom’s death, his father had poured himself into his work on the farm, so he frequently found himself as caretaker for the girl.

Look how well _that_ had worked out. She was… she was dead, and for such a long time he thought he’d be too. Stuck on that damn planet in the middle of nowhere, unsure if he’d see Bryony again, unsure if she was even _alive_ …

Leaning heavily on Kaidan and Tali, because they were the only ones who could understand a _fraction_ of what he was feeling. They were her best friends, and they were the two she’d forced to leave her out on the field. Just like Joker had left her, alone and bleeding out on the Citadel.

If she knew he still had those thoughts, the guilt overwhelming him about how he’d caused her death once and almost caused it twice, he’d get a piece of her mind. So he kept it to himself, allowing only small amounts of time for the guilt to take over.

He sighed, and shook his head to clear it, looking up at Javik.

“How do _you_ know I’m being tested?” he asked. It was a fair question, okay? If he was being tested, Javik would be the last person getting told. Bryony and Liara would have a giggle about it, go about their girls’ weekend together, and Joker would just sort of be there. Javik wouldn’t know.

The Prothean sighed, sitting next to him. Joker let out a quiet sigh of relief when Zelila stopped her quest to retrieve his hat from his head in order to snuggle into her father. He sighed and shuffled a little, adjusting Aeseis in his arms as he did so. At least this way he wasn’t attempting to keep his bones intact and hold an infant at the same.

One of Javik’s arms went to curl automatically around his daughter (and it was a bizarre sight, a cuddly Prothean) and he sighed deeply.

“It is obvious. The as- Liara did the same thing to me before we had Zelila. She had me babysit the krogan’s children while taking his wife out for something she called ‘R&R’. Be thankful you don’t have to watch krogan children. They repeatedly headbutted my legs.”

Joker looked down at his own legs and winced. He definitely would’ve fared worse than Javik, and he had little doubt Wrex would’ve claimed it was ‘character-building’, or something of the sort.

Of course, he _had_ babysat Grunt before, and it was infinitely more terrifying. The krogan had referred to him as ‘Battlemaster’s mate’ the whole time, and had an odd obsession with a 20th century children’s television program called ‘Pokemon’. Joker had wanted to die. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Grunt could kill him without breaking a sweat and was, technically, an adult. So he couldn’t even complain.

He sighed, “I figured she was aiming for this, but I didn’t think she’d have me tested. Thought I was done with exams when I left training.”

“I’m sure. Either way, I must now leave and get food. I was informed I had to leave you alone with the children for at least half an hour.”

And before he could even protest, Javik was gone.

Barely a moment had passed before the toddler next to him spoke up.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

He groaned.

* * *

When Bryony and Liara returned, he almost ran across the room (though he didn’t, because running wasn’t exactly his area of expertise).

Bryony grinned, and pulled him down for a kiss while Liara went to fuss over the children. She turned shortly after, Zelila doing the monkey-dangle from her neck while Javik kept a hold of the baby, and his girlfriend grinned at the little asari. She grinned back.

“Did you enjoy your weekend with your papa and Joker?” he asked, and she nodded. He let out a long breath of relief. He was hoping she’d say that. The more he’d thought about it, the more the thought had appealed to him. A little girl or boy with his eyes and Bryony’s smile? Perfect.

“Yes! Joker’s good fun. When papa went out to get us food, he taught me lots of new words. Like fuck!”

Joker paled. Liara started glowing with biotics. He squeaked and grabbed Shepard’s hand, pulling her out of the room with him. As soon as they were a safe distance away from the apartment, he leaned back against the wall, and she grinned at him, laughing.

“You’re _terrible_ ,” she murmured, leaning into him. He raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t mean to teach her those! It was more when her little sister decided her diaper needed changed not two minutes after I’d taken her to the bathroom that those words started to slip out. But I’m glad to announce I can now change diapers with my eyes closed,” he leaned his forehead against hers.

“Have I passed your test?”

She let out a breathy laugh, biting her lip.

“Javik figure it out? I think the real question here is do you _want_ to have passed.”

He didn’t hesitate, he just spoke.

“Yes. I want to have passed. You wouldn’t believe how _badly_ I want to have passed. And I know it’ll probably be a few years, we’ll have to start trying for real, or file for adoption if that’s what you want, and…”

She placed a finger over his lips, and captured his free hand with her own, pressing it to her belly.

“More like seven months.”

A grin spread across his lips and he kissed her again.


End file.
